Building Healthy Relationships:
Hello, my name is Anita Sandoval, I am a Licensed Professional Counselor from the Rio Grande Valley. My job is to help people come up with techniques, skills, strategies, to implement and move forward to a healthier environment. It is up to you to be responsible and do what is necessary to create your own healthy environment, and I am ready to help you do so.
Can people really Change
Today’s Topic will entail the most asked question in relationships.
Can people really Change
Well it seems that I have many a clients that come in to session and mostly come in to complain about the relationships surrounding them and how the other person is the problem and on how they need to change.
Studies have shown that the most effective method to change your environment or the people around you is to first change yourself.
Input Study è
On the website of www.alleydog.com on the subject of Learning and behavior you will find on how every single person like it or not is learning from the moment we are born to the day we die. Now the key is if what we are learning is good or bad.
Learning and Conditioning http://buff.ly/1gNDOFO
So then the problem then lies in two things: First if the person can be accepting to understand that they are the problem and need to change. Second, to be accepting of the fact that the only person they can change is only themselves.
I always say that you can have an easier time to move a mountain than to change a person.
Now using this concept;
There was a client who went in for counseling due to her husband being physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive to the point that the children would cry and tell people that they were scared of their father. After several sessions and awareness on boundaries the children were under the impression that forgiveness was all that was needed to accept their father back in their lives because their mother would keep taking him back after he apologized and would say the wishful thinking of I will never do it again and basically say everything that was needed to be said to be in good graces with the family. But then using the cycle of anger, looking after the explosion there is something called the honeymoon stage where everything is calm, but then after several weeks, months, everything is held in and changes are put on a stand and habits never replaced so sooner or later those old habits return due to not having the new ones implemented. Then the aggressiveness and same behaviors go back again, and the cycle begins over and over.
So then again the question still remains can people change.
It is like that saying goes:
How many counselors does it take to change a lightbulb and the answer is one, but first the lightbulb will want to change first.
The answer simply is yes, but first the person will need to be willing to change.
So now the details of the change still remains, how will we know that the person really is changing and is willing to change. It all comes down to the most simplistic evidence. Behaviors! After all, like people say, action speaks louder than words.
Something I have not mentioned which will be mentioned briefly today and I will mention more about it on my next blog is habits. One needs to see what behaviors they do today that are healthy and those that are not healthy and replace the ones that need to be changed.
Only then can you see the change in yourself or in someone else. So if all you hear is “I’m sorry, I am going to change , I won’t do it again ever” That is called Wishful thinking, because as mentioned before what you do is what becomes of you so if they don’t give you actual different behaviors that they will do to replace the unhealthy ones, then no they are not changing they are just wishfully hoping they will change by not doing anything.
Then you ask yourself, have you seen anyone change by doing nothing? In order for their to be change, something needs to happen. The answer lies within the person as to what is the behaviors you want to see and on how to get there.
So some strategies you might want to do to see if people can change is first reflect on what changes you are doing and what reactions you are getting from others. Then if you don’t like those reactions make a change yourself and see what different reactions you get from others.
Other strategies to see if people are changing and if they admit the willingness that they want to change is to write down the behaviors they were doing that you or they didn’t like and have them tell you what replacement behaviors they are doing and what results they would get and see if they are doing it
For example: If a person says I won’t get angry and become aggressive and yet when they talk to you they mention on how upset they were because they were standing in line waiting for something and someone cut in before them and they reacted negatively and did not implement any new replacement behaviors, then chances are no they have not change.
One importance key aspect as well is TIME and PRACTICE, only through time and practicing the new behaviors will that person change.
So remember if you want to wait around for that person you will need to accept them for who they are right now and not who they will become because that is what is causing the negativity in the relationship.
Focus and accept who they are right now and if they change in the future then great but you need to see if first in the present to know the results you will get in the future.
It is like a diet and losing weight, practicing the new change in eating lifestyle and seeing the pounds shed off every week will enable you to know that you will eventually hit your target goal weight and maintain that for the rest of your life.
Remember that you are a product of your environment. It has been proven time and time again that where you are and who you associate with will have great influence towards to who you will become and are.
Thank you for joining me and next time I will discuss other key matters such as parenting, substance abuse, grief, ADD, Depression and many more that can help with the wellness dimensions.
Also, it would be great to hear from you! I know with the fast track of working, kids, and society it is difficult to attend counseling and maybe just have a question or a thought and want to know if you are needing counseling or just some strategies to help you move forward for now. So if you have any questions on any topic you would like to discuss or comment on a problem you are having please feel free to
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Facebook: Positive Awakenings Counseling Center