Assumption is the pitfall of communication: Instead Ask

3 Lessons I Learned From Failed Relationships

Relationships can be beautiful once you find the right person you want to be with. Whether it is friendships, family, or significant others. They all have the same thing in common: They involve two or more people. So after much reflection and insight I was able pick up some of the common characteristics that involve failed relationships and what things that can be done to move forward from failed relationships to successful ones.

The first lesson I learned was:

1. The Importance of Learning From Your Mistakes:

Like someone I know told me. If I go into another relationship right after leaving my previous one, it would be like driving blindfolded on the expressway. I said EXACTLY! Keep in mind that we are not perfect and therefore, will make mistakes. But what will set you apart from the others is learning from what happened in that failed relationship. Once you have learned what went wrong then you can come up with a plan to execute on how not to go into that situation again. 

      2.  Replace the Habit or Go Back To Failure: 

Habits can never be broken. They are stuck in that part of the body called your brain. It is an unconscious response turned automatic. Therefore, if you do not come up with something else to occupy that unhealthy habit that got you into that failed relationship, guess what is going to happen. Yes, you will go back to the failed relationship. But remember, all you have to do is replace the habit with a better one and you will change the failed relationship into successful one. I know it's easier said than done, but I never told you this was going to be easy, now did I.


       3.   Blaming Them will get you Nowhere:

Like Will Smith stated on his you tube video:
fault vs. responsibility https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USsqkd-E9ag  
If you keep finding fault in the relationship you will be stuck being the victim and it will inhibit your own happiness, and isn't being happy what the whole point in having successful relationship is about. So once you figure out your responsibility in the relationship will you then learn from the mistakes and then replace the habit, just add a bit of consistency with the latter and there you go.

You will be on your way to an awesome better relationship than the one you just had.

Challenge of the Week:  

Get a journal and for each day write down either: what you learned, a habit you replaced, or what was your responsibility in the relationship that went bad. Then leave a comment below to see what you will do to make sure you move forward into a successful one. 

Email: anita@pacc-tx.com
Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Facebook: Positive Awakenings Counseling Center
Twitter: https://twitter.com/pacctx

Photo by Oscar Keys on Unsplash

Conversations Vs. Communication

Conversations Vs. Communication 

Conversations are for Winning and Communication is to Emotionally Connect with someone. So ask yourself before having a talk with someone. Do I want to win at the subject of the conversation or do I want to get to know and have a healthy relationship with someone. If you want to bond with someone or get them to like or get to know you. Then it is time to learn on how to communicate with them. 

Challenge of the Week: Ask yourself " Do I want to Win" Or "Do I want to Connect with someone" Then decide whether you want to have a conversation or communicate with the person you want to talk to.

Email: anita@pacc-tx.com
Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Facebook: Positive Awakenings Counseling Center
Twitter: https://twitter.com/pacctx

Photo by Cole Hutson on Unsplash

How Can I Say No Without Being A Jerk

•  Can't they see I just want them to respect my decision.

•  Why do I feel guilty? 

•  Why are they being a Jerk about everything.

 

It starts with: one day when a friend asks  for a favor. He says that he wants you to do something for them. You want to say NO, but then you begin to feel guilty and say Yes instead. Then when you do the favor, it comes out bad because you start resenting the other person for having you do something that you did not want to do in the first place. But then imagine, if you would have said NO, they would then talk about you saying how you did not want to help out and make you out to look like you are the Jerk in the whole situation. 

So the real question to ask yourself is: How can I say NO without being a Jerk!

Sometimes it feels that when you want to stand up to what you feel is the correct thing to do, people will misinterpret that as you being a Jerk.

Below are some things you can ask yourself to alleviate feeling like a Jerk when in fact you just want some SELF-RESPECT.

• Who's Opinion Matters- This is where you ask yourself. Who's Opinion Matters? Remember that everyone carries their thoughts over any matter. They will tell you what they think along with others may think. Soon after you will forgot about what your own thoughts are. So remind yourself "My opinion is the most important thoughts that matter"

 

• Can I Have My Cake and Eat it Too- There is no way out of where you can feel good and then make the other person feel good about your own needs to be respected. You can't have it both ways. One way or another there will be some negative emotions. However, you need to ask yourself, in which one would I be feeling worse.

 

• If I Make Everyone Happy, I Will Be Happy- Imagine a world where you can make everyone happy and given everyone whatever they wanted. Then ask yourself would they then give you what you wanted or ask for more things for you to do to keep making themselves happy. Remind yourself that making other people happy is not your responsibility. The only person you are responsible for in making Happy is yourself. So let's start give it a try and start there. 

   

Challenge for the Weekend: Whenever someone attempts to have you do something you don't want to do, ask yourself one of these questions. Then comment below on what happened afterwards. How were you feeling, what were you thinking, and eventually what did you do.

  

Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Email: anita@pacc-tx.com
Facebook: Positive Awakenings Counseling Center

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5 different ways to have conversations when people are being so MEAN....

We all encounter that person that right away you tell yourself, "Why do they have to be so Mean!" They are the type of people that could care less of your opinions and have disregard for your things and at times really has you biting your tongue to not tell them something you might regret later.

We start talking to ourselves or venting with other friends on how mean those people are and on how you would like to talk to someone to make things better for yourself. At times like these, it is good to have a strategy or guide to know how to have a conversation with someone when they are being so mean to you.

I have gathered different ideas and decided to share it with you when you're just not in the mood to put up with these type of people anymore.

1.) Comment with humor- I remember when I was having a conversation with a friend and her husband. Her husband was being very pessimistic on a topic and kept getting louder and rude. His wife then jokingly stated, are you ok, did you forget to take your coffee. How can I help you feel better. Soon after I noticed the tension ease up and we moved on to the next subject.

2.) As a matter of fact type of behavior- Now this behavior is in between ignoring and selective attention. This is where you ignore what rude thing is said and pay attention to what the focus and goal is important.

3.) Be direct on their behaviors in front of you- Here you can just tell them what they are specifically doing and on how that is not going to get to the goal. For example; A person yelling at you to do something. You can just tell them, " "Yelling at me is not going to help in me getting you what you want." If you want me to do what you say I expect you to tell me in a respectful tone of voice.

4.) Selective Attention-This one is one of my favorites. I tend to do this in movies as well. Whenever I see movies where I don't like the ending I tend to only see the good part and turn off the rest. Selective attention is the same, pay attention only to the part that matters. Take the negativity out like trash and toss it away.

5.) Walk Away-  Sometimes its just best when things are emotionally heated to just walk away. Things never work out when it is said at the heat of the moment.

What you must remember about having conversations with people who are being mean is that most of the time it is not personal. It has to do with them not you. Don't take it personal. They are going through something that they are not able to deal with and often at times, it spills over to other people.
Last strategy you can possibly do is: If you figure out what is going on in their world and not see it as a personal attack on you, it will help the conversations you need to have with these type of people better.

Challenge of the Week: While you are having a conversation with someone, just for a couple of minutes disregard any personal feelings from the conversation and attempt to do one of the strategies given and let me know on how it went.

3 Tips in Having Difficult Conversations

Lately I have been having to help alot more people in the art of having difficult conversations. It's easy to tell the other person: "Just tell them how you feel, what's in your mind" "Just tell them".  There are many reasons on why we think twice before having that conversation we know must be done:

• Why doesn’t the meaningful conversations get said?
• What stops you from saying the most important things that you want to say but just can’t?

1. Fear of retaliation
2. Self-Doubt: on realizing if it was the right thing to do
3. Fear of making things worse
4. Uncertain on what exactly to say and how to say it

For me the main things I use to begin the process of having a must needed conversation are: 

Tip #1:
Write it out:
Research studies have shown that people have conversations in the form of their writing. What better way to see how you come across to someone else than by writing down what you have to say and how you have to say it down on a piece of paper. Wait about 15-20 minutes and go do something else. Come back and re read what you have to say and see if what you wanted to say comes out the way you wanted to. The beauty of this tip is that if you don't, then you just can fix it the way you want to.

Tip#2:
Rehearse and Practice: 
Think of this technique as the saying goes "Practice makes perfect" I tend to have my patients role-pay the conversation with me and I pretend on having the conversation with them in two scenarios.

One scenario: Being the best possible response and them visualizing that everything went just exactly the way they wanted it.

The second scenario is the worst response and having all those fears and worries out in the open to the reality of the situation.

In most situations: The conversation usually tends to be somewhere in the middle and in the end all that practice helped them ease those nerves and fears out of the way. Well for the most part.

and Lastly...

Tip#3:
Do Something: There is this saying that I always recite: "The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results" So my last tip is to do something that moves forward to at least having some type of conversation with that person, whatever it is that you choose to do whether it be good or bad will help you learn from the situation and move forward.


What do you think is the hardest part of having a difficult conversation with someone?  Has there ever been a situation where you wanted to have an in depth conversation with someone and just help back, what happened to that relationship when you didn't say anything.

Comment below and let me know!

Email: anita@pacc-tx.com

Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Online Counseling: www.positiveawakeningsonline.com
Facebook: Positive Awakenings Counseling Center
Twitter: https://twitter.com/pacctx

Values-What’s their purpose?

The question I hear at times from people is “What is it I am supposed to do?” I have realized that answering that question does not lie in me but within them. I also have experienced that the correct answer usually is found in the root of their personal values.

Values, defining what values mean to me is basically what you believe in. What gives meaning to your daily life. You don’t believe me. When was the last time you really got upset? Or When was the last time you were having the best day ever and were the happiest? All of that coincides within your values.

When people are them most unhappiest is when what you believe in and what you do (your actions) are not in unison. My personal goal is to help people figure out their personal values and live their life within them. I have decided to try to develop a “How To” Plan to get a person to figure out their values and find their happiness and purpose within them.

For now though I will leave you with a website that has some tools to help you figure out your values and I will make a list of questions to ask yourself for those who want the quick cheat sheet on the website.
https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTED_85.htm

Questions to ask yourself:

• Describe what was happening when you were the happiest
• Explain to yourself what happened when you were the most upset. 
• Write down your “Should’s” example: They should have been on time, they should have not said that. (Tip: Out of every should hides a value)
• Write down a list of values and compare them with the things that have happened good or bad in your life.
• Some examples of values are : Respect, responsibility, integrity, excellence, family, religion, servitude, empathy. There are many more online. Google values and then compare with the things in your life. 

If you need any help with figuring out values you may have then comment below and I can respond with a personal value that you may have.