Assumption is the pitfall of communication: Instead Ask

3 Lessons I Learned From Failed Relationships

Relationships can be beautiful once you find the right person you want to be with. Whether it is friendships, family, or significant others. They all have the same thing in common: They involve two or more people. So after much reflection and insight I was able pick up some of the common characteristics that involve failed relationships and what things that can be done to move forward from failed relationships to successful ones.

The first lesson I learned was:

1. The Importance of Learning From Your Mistakes:

Like someone I know told me. If I go into another relationship right after leaving my previous one, it would be like driving blindfolded on the expressway. I said EXACTLY! Keep in mind that we are not perfect and therefore, will make mistakes. But what will set you apart from the others is learning from what happened in that failed relationship. Once you have learned what went wrong then you can come up with a plan to execute on how not to go into that situation again. 

      2.  Replace the Habit or Go Back To Failure: 

Habits can never be broken. They are stuck in that part of the body called your brain. It is an unconscious response turned automatic. Therefore, if you do not come up with something else to occupy that unhealthy habit that got you into that failed relationship, guess what is going to happen. Yes, you will go back to the failed relationship. But remember, all you have to do is replace the habit with a better one and you will change the failed relationship into successful one. I know it's easier said than done, but I never told you this was going to be easy, now did I.


       3.   Blaming Them will get you Nowhere:

Like Will Smith stated on his you tube video:
fault vs. responsibility https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USsqkd-E9ag  
If you keep finding fault in the relationship you will be stuck being the victim and it will inhibit your own happiness, and isn't being happy what the whole point in having successful relationship is about. So once you figure out your responsibility in the relationship will you then learn from the mistakes and then replace the habit, just add a bit of consistency with the latter and there you go.

You will be on your way to an awesome better relationship than the one you just had.

Challenge of the Week:  

Get a journal and for each day write down either: what you learned, a habit you replaced, or what was your responsibility in the relationship that went bad. Then leave a comment below to see what you will do to make sure you move forward into a successful one. 

Email: anita@pacc-tx.com
Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Facebook: Positive Awakenings Counseling Center
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Conversations Vs. Communication

Conversations Vs. Communication 

Conversations are for Winning and Communication is to Emotionally Connect with someone. So ask yourself before having a talk with someone. Do I want to win at the subject of the conversation or do I want to get to know and have a healthy relationship with someone. If you want to bond with someone or get them to like or get to know you. Then it is time to learn on how to communicate with them. 

Challenge of the Week: Ask yourself " Do I want to Win" Or "Do I want to Connect with someone" Then decide whether you want to have a conversation or communicate with the person you want to talk to.

Email: anita@pacc-tx.com
Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Facebook: Positive Awakenings Counseling Center
Twitter: https://twitter.com/pacctx

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How Can I Say No Without Being A Jerk

•  Can't they see I just want them to respect my decision.

•  Why do I feel guilty? 

•  Why are they being a Jerk about everything.

 

It starts with: one day when a friend asks  for a favor. He says that he wants you to do something for them. You want to say NO, but then you begin to feel guilty and say Yes instead. Then when you do the favor, it comes out bad because you start resenting the other person for having you do something that you did not want to do in the first place. But then imagine, if you would have said NO, they would then talk about you saying how you did not want to help out and make you out to look like you are the Jerk in the whole situation. 

So the real question to ask yourself is: How can I say NO without being a Jerk!

Sometimes it feels that when you want to stand up to what you feel is the correct thing to do, people will misinterpret that as you being a Jerk.

Below are some things you can ask yourself to alleviate feeling like a Jerk when in fact you just want some SELF-RESPECT.

• Who's Opinion Matters- This is where you ask yourself. Who's Opinion Matters? Remember that everyone carries their thoughts over any matter. They will tell you what they think along with others may think. Soon after you will forgot about what your own thoughts are. So remind yourself "My opinion is the most important thoughts that matter"

 

• Can I Have My Cake and Eat it Too- There is no way out of where you can feel good and then make the other person feel good about your own needs to be respected. You can't have it both ways. One way or another there will be some negative emotions. However, you need to ask yourself, in which one would I be feeling worse.

 

• If I Make Everyone Happy, I Will Be Happy- Imagine a world where you can make everyone happy and given everyone whatever they wanted. Then ask yourself would they then give you what you wanted or ask for more things for you to do to keep making themselves happy. Remind yourself that making other people happy is not your responsibility. The only person you are responsible for in making Happy is yourself. So let's start give it a try and start there. 

   

Challenge for the Weekend: Whenever someone attempts to have you do something you don't want to do, ask yourself one of these questions. Then comment below on what happened afterwards. How were you feeling, what were you thinking, and eventually what did you do.

  

Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Email: anita@pacc-tx.com
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5 different ways to have conversations when people are being so MEAN....

We all encounter that person that right away you tell yourself, "Why do they have to be so Mean!" They are the type of people that could care less of your opinions and have disregard for your things and at times really has you biting your tongue to not tell them something you might regret later.

We start talking to ourselves or venting with other friends on how mean those people are and on how you would like to talk to someone to make things better for yourself. At times like these, it is good to have a strategy or guide to know how to have a conversation with someone when they are being so mean to you.

I have gathered different ideas and decided to share it with you when you're just not in the mood to put up with these type of people anymore.

1.) Comment with humor- I remember when I was having a conversation with a friend and her husband. Her husband was being very pessimistic on a topic and kept getting louder and rude. His wife then jokingly stated, are you ok, did you forget to take your coffee. How can I help you feel better. Soon after I noticed the tension ease up and we moved on to the next subject.

2.) As a matter of fact type of behavior- Now this behavior is in between ignoring and selective attention. This is where you ignore what rude thing is said and pay attention to what the focus and goal is important.

3.) Be direct on their behaviors in front of you- Here you can just tell them what they are specifically doing and on how that is not going to get to the goal. For example; A person yelling at you to do something. You can just tell them, " "Yelling at me is not going to help in me getting you what you want." If you want me to do what you say I expect you to tell me in a respectful tone of voice.

4.) Selective Attention-This one is one of my favorites. I tend to do this in movies as well. Whenever I see movies where I don't like the ending I tend to only see the good part and turn off the rest. Selective attention is the same, pay attention only to the part that matters. Take the negativity out like trash and toss it away.

5.) Walk Away-  Sometimes its just best when things are emotionally heated to just walk away. Things never work out when it is said at the heat of the moment.

What you must remember about having conversations with people who are being mean is that most of the time it is not personal. It has to do with them not you. Don't take it personal. They are going through something that they are not able to deal with and often at times, it spills over to other people.
Last strategy you can possibly do is: If you figure out what is going on in their world and not see it as a personal attack on you, it will help the conversations you need to have with these type of people better.

Challenge of the Week: While you are having a conversation with someone, just for a couple of minutes disregard any personal feelings from the conversation and attempt to do one of the strategies given and let me know on how it went.

3 Tips in Having Difficult Conversations

Lately I have been having to help alot more people in the art of having difficult conversations. It's easy to tell the other person: "Just tell them how you feel, what's in your mind" "Just tell them".  There are many reasons on why we think twice before having that conversation we know must be done:

• Why doesn’t the meaningful conversations get said?
• What stops you from saying the most important things that you want to say but just can’t?

1. Fear of retaliation
2. Self-Doubt: on realizing if it was the right thing to do
3. Fear of making things worse
4. Uncertain on what exactly to say and how to say it

For me the main things I use to begin the process of having a must needed conversation are: 

Tip #1:
Write it out:
Research studies have shown that people have conversations in the form of their writing. What better way to see how you come across to someone else than by writing down what you have to say and how you have to say it down on a piece of paper. Wait about 15-20 minutes and go do something else. Come back and re read what you have to say and see if what you wanted to say comes out the way you wanted to. The beauty of this tip is that if you don't, then you just can fix it the way you want to.

Tip#2:
Rehearse and Practice: 
Think of this technique as the saying goes "Practice makes perfect" I tend to have my patients role-pay the conversation with me and I pretend on having the conversation with them in two scenarios.

One scenario: Being the best possible response and them visualizing that everything went just exactly the way they wanted it.

The second scenario is the worst response and having all those fears and worries out in the open to the reality of the situation.

In most situations: The conversation usually tends to be somewhere in the middle and in the end all that practice helped them ease those nerves and fears out of the way. Well for the most part.

and Lastly...

Tip#3:
Do Something: There is this saying that I always recite: "The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results" So my last tip is to do something that moves forward to at least having some type of conversation with that person, whatever it is that you choose to do whether it be good or bad will help you learn from the situation and move forward.


What do you think is the hardest part of having a difficult conversation with someone?  Has there ever been a situation where you wanted to have an in depth conversation with someone and just help back, what happened to that relationship when you didn't say anything.

Comment below and let me know!

Email: anita@pacc-tx.com

Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Online Counseling: www.positiveawakeningsonline.com
Facebook: Positive Awakenings Counseling Center
Twitter: https://twitter.com/pacctx

Values-What’s their purpose?

The question I hear at times from people is “What is it I am supposed to do?” I have realized that answering that question does not lie in me but within them. I also have experienced that the correct answer usually is found in the root of their personal values.

Values, defining what values mean to me is basically what you believe in. What gives meaning to your daily life. You don’t believe me. When was the last time you really got upset? Or When was the last time you were having the best day ever and were the happiest? All of that coincides within your values.

When people are them most unhappiest is when what you believe in and what you do (your actions) are not in unison. My personal goal is to help people figure out their personal values and live their life within them. I have decided to try to develop a “How To” Plan to get a person to figure out their values and find their happiness and purpose within them.

For now though I will leave you with a website that has some tools to help you figure out your values and I will make a list of questions to ask yourself for those who want the quick cheat sheet on the website.
https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTED_85.htm

Questions to ask yourself:

• Describe what was happening when you were the happiest
• Explain to yourself what happened when you were the most upset. 
• Write down your “Should’s” example: They should have been on time, they should have not said that. (Tip: Out of every should hides a value)
• Write down a list of values and compare them with the things that have happened good or bad in your life.
• Some examples of values are : Respect, responsibility, integrity, excellence, family, religion, servitude, empathy. There are many more online. Google values and then compare with the things in your life. 

If you need any help with figuring out values you may have then comment below and I can respond with a personal value that you may have. 

What I do for a living.

I am a Licensed Professional Counselor

I help people who are in unhealthy/toxic relationships.

I understand the meaning of healthy relationships and standing up to what you believe in, so that 

others can respect your values and give you the healthy relationship that you deserve. 

Email: anita@pacc-tx.com

Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Online Counseling: www.positiveawakeningsonline.com
Facebook: Positive Awakenings Counseling Center
Twitter: https://twitter.com/pacctx
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How Do you Know When Your Relationship Has Become Toxic!

How Do you Know When Your Relationship Has Become Toxic!

I have been guilty of being in a relationship that at times I would tell myself “What did I get my self into!” Then I have also seen people and their relationships that have been toxic and yet they remain together. All for the sake of “LOVE.”

            So I ask myself? What are the main reasons for a person remaining in a toxic relationship? And do people even Realize that they are in a Toxic Relationship! First of course is what are the main reasons, well from mine, and from what other’s have told me on why they stay in a Toxic Relationship.

·      Because I love him/her

·      For the kids

·      Because I don’t know how I can do it by myself

·      Because I can help them be better

·      Because they said they will change

·      It was only that one time and it wasn’t their fault

·      Because he/she loves me

·      Our relationship is fine it is not TOXIC

Of course there could be many more, however these are just some of the main reasons on why some people remain in  a TOXIC environment.  Know let me give you some how I would like to call it SYMPTOMS/SIGNS of a TOXIC relationship.

·      When someone does not respect your opinions no matter how crazy it may be, they are still your own opinions.

·      When the person you love, puts you down, humiliates you, embarrasses you, yells at you, treats you emotionally in a negative manner.

·      When your partner invades your physical space by pushing you, slapping you, or just being next to you when you want to be alone.

·      When the person you love wants to have you do things that you don’t want to do. And want to either emotionally guilt you, manipulate you with whatever means to do what others want to do and not respect your own wishes  of what you want.

·      When its constantly either my way or your way and not compromise or find resolutions to where both can come to a mutual agreement.

Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where there is respect, love and you do too.

Email: anita@pacc-tx.com

Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Online Counseling: www.positiveawakeningsonline.com
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When People Just Don't Get What You Want

When People Just Don’t Get What You Want

I have realized whenever I hear the conflicts, and problems that come in my office on a day-to-day basis. That most of the issues stem from misguided perception from different points of views. I keep hearing people say “Tell Me I am RIGHT!, or” Tell Me that They are Wrong!.”  The question really lies in, is there really a right or wrong whenever there is belief on how you think things should be.

·      I ask myself ok Well What then defines right or wrong?

·      Who defines right or wrong?

·      What if there is finally an agreement on who is right and wrong, then what… is the problem solved then, where everyone leaves happy!

All I can say is that each one has their own set of values, and within those values they have them in a specific order.

The definition of wrong is “not correct or true.” So then can you prove beliefs, and opinions to be true. As a far as I remember an opinion is something you cannot prove and a fact is something you can prove to be right or wrong.

So an awesome strategy that I use to help with those disagreements on opinions and beliefs is finding as much facts that can be proven true or false.

I recently finished reading “The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho” There was a parable in there from which I found very interesting.

There were seven mice and each one had a different part of the elephant. The mouse that had the trunk said that it was a snake. The mouse that had the midsection said it was a big wall. And etc.

The moral of the story: For me again in my opinion not a fact that each person’s opinion is different and opinions don’t really have a wrong or right. It’s just an opinion a belief. 

Anita Sandoval LPC-S
 
anita@pacc-tx.com

Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Online Counseling: www.positiveawakeningsonline.com
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The Importance of Trust in any Relationship!

The Importance of Trust in any Relationship!

I have been reading my book of the month and I have been so excited to learn new things in this book that I decided to share with you my thoughts so far with this book and once I finish I will give you some more afterthoughts about the book.

The book I am presently reading is called “TRUST WORKS” by Ken Blanchard.  From the point of view of a Licensed Professional Counselor I began reading the strategies and began to see on how the strategies given in the book can actually help my patients and people within my environment create healthier relationships.

I asked myself What is Trust?

noun: trust

1.firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. "relations have to be built on trust"

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=definition+of+trust

What are the fundamentals of a healthy relationship

1.     Love

2.     Trust

3.     Communication

Then looking further, how can someone communicate with another person without trust. What would happen to the love of someone without the foundation of trust.

So far the strategies I was able to gain is the following:

·      A-Able- Do positive behaviors that will help the person whom you want to gain the trust with.

·      B-Believable- Do positive behaviors that is believed to be by the person who needs to gain your trust. Each person’s mind is their own world, therefore just because you do something positive does not mean that the other person will see that positive deed as something good to gain trust.

·      C-Connectedness- Try to understand the person’s point of view and where they come from. You don’t have to agree with their point of view. Just understand who they are with what they believe in. If you understand their belief’s they will begin to connect with you and gain some trust.

·      D-Dependability- This is where when the going gets tough, you are there to help the other person. You are physically, emotionally, spiritually there for the person to where they can depend on you to help them in a positive manner.

The final ingredient to bring everything together is patience. Nothing great was created in one day. Keep doing those 4 strategies and you will be able to have an awesome healthy relationship just by being consistent with your behaviors.

Have you tried any other strategies to help you gain the trust of someone to create a better relationship? How did it work out?

        

Email: anita@pacc-tx.com

Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Online Counseling: www.positiveawakeningsonline.com
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"What If" and "What Is"

What if I were to win a million Dollars :-). What if I could have lost 30lbs! There are so many what if variables and factors when taking someone's situation into consideration. But at the end of the day what matters most is " What Is In Front Of You" and "What is Happening and work with what you have" 

1. Learning from the past is the only thing we can do to make a difference in the present and future.
2. Making the necessary Behavioral changes, no matter how small will change everything around you. 
3. Being Consistent with your Values will help you become free and happy no matter the situation you have encountered, finding solutions consistently with your values will enable better solutions.

Think back to whenever you focused on the What If's instead of What has happened to you. What ended up happening. What did you do to get yourself out of it?

  

Email: anita@pacc-tx.com
Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Online Counseling: www.positiveawakeningsonline.com
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To Be Wise or To Be Smart?

To Be Wise or To Be Smart?

I often wondered what the difference was in reference to being smart and being wise. I mean isn't it the same thing. Well this is what I found: 

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/wisdom

Simple Definition of wisdom

• : knowledge that is gained by having many experiences in life
• : the natural ability to understand things that most other people cannot understand
• : knowledge of what is proper or reasonable : good sense or judgment

Simple Definition of education

·       : the action or process of teaching someone especially in a school, college, or university

·       : the knowledge, skill, and understanding that you get from attending a school, college, or university

·       : a field of study that deals with the methods and problems of teaching

Simple Definition of ignorance

• : a lack of knowledge, understanding, or education : the state of being ignorant

 

     

     So a wise person knows what to do in most situations, while a smart person knows what to do in situations where few others could.

I often wondered on how it was possible that some people who strived to attain so much education could simply be oblivious with the fact that they still lack the wisdom to just “GET IT!”

When I mean the word “Get It” I refer to simple concepts of life situations and on how to solve them. Some people can refer to it as common sense. I hear many friends tell me, “after all it’s common sense.” But the question then lies, Is it? Is it just common sense or is it something deeper such as wisdom.

         I then reflect on past relationships/connections I have had with people in the past. Some that were so smart, some would say a “know it all” and yet I never saw them as smart. I often noticed something lacking. That’s when I realized that the “common sense” is something I guess I would call Wisdom.

         To have some success a person needs to have a wholesome sense of wisdom together with education.

         After researching the concepts of wisdom, I came to realize that it is the life’s experiences that help enable a person’s wisdom. Therefore, when life hands out problems and the manner in which the person handles them will help them become more strengthened in the concept of being wiser. Some strategies I have used to help with this is to consult with people who have the education and the wisdom to guide me with my own personal issues.

         Many wise people in the past have also consulted with wise counsel themselves to help with overcoming issues. Such as King Arthur of Camelot and the Knights of the Round Table.

The point I wanted to make after finding out the difference is, someone with more education makes them knowledgeable just in that specific subject, which in turn doesn’t necessarily make them wise.   

What do you think?

  

Email: anita@pacc-tx.com
Website: www.pacc-tx.com
Online Counseling: www.positiveawakeningsonline.com
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Twitter: https://twitter.com/pacctx